I Want To Know Love
by shadesOfDarkness71
Summary: Spencer Reid only wanted one thing in life - to be loved by another. Through the physical pain, he wondered if that could ever be.  Complete
1. Chapter 1

Spencer Reid often wondered what love felt like. Not the love between a parent and a child, he knew his mother loved him even if her disease made it hard to show that sometimes, but the passionate love that was felt between two soul mates. What it felt to be held tenderly in someone's arms. To feel their fingers on your body and want to touch their body. The feeling of there being no boundaries between you and that other person.

One thing he did know, was that this was not love. As he rested his weight on his folded arms, as he knelt on the bed in a doggie style position. Reid fought to keep the whimper from escaping as the older man thrust himself into his backside's orifice again and again. He didn't want to admit that it hurt. That he wasn't enjoying it. After all, this wasn't rape or abuse. He wasn't being forcibly held to comply. He had entered into this relationship willingly three years ago back when the man currently getting gratification from this act had said that he cared about him.

Cared about it - not love. That four letter word had never been said. Three years ago though, being cared about was enough. It had been more than he had ever experienced before that except when it came to parental love, which though was special just hadn't been enough for the young genius who was craving something more. Craving the loving attention of another human being.

Reid let out a whimper as another powerful thrust brought pain to his already bruised body. Work had been stressful for the older man lately, and the way the older agent took out those stresses was on the young man he thought of as his lover.

Relief swept over him as he heard a moan of satisfaction escape the man above him. As he removed himself from Reid's body, Reid stretched flat out on his stomach, grateful that it was over.

"Thanks, Spencer. That was good," the older man said, as he reached for his discarded pants.

Reid lay on his bed, not saying anything. He was afraid of hurting the other man's feelings by revealing that he didn't feel the same way.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow," the man said.

Reid listened to the footsteps move away. As he heard the door to his apartment open and close, he finally let the tears fall. He wanted to be loved but he knew that this wasn't love.

* * *

><p>He had thought this was over. Gideon had left. Walked out of all of their lives with only a letter to him. That was it - a letter. Though he had long ago accepted that what they shared wasn't love, he felt empty with it gone. Empty though relieved at the same time. There would be no more pretending to enjoy something that he didn't. No more unsettling sensations as his body responded to the stimulation he was receiving without any emotion behind the reaction.<p>

Yet here he was again in that position. This time there was nothing even vaguely consensual about it. The numb feelings in his hands and feet from being bound for so long told him that. The screaming of muscles stretched to their limit as he was held stretched across the bed in a spread eagle position reinforced the point.

This was rape and there was nothing he could do about it, just like he couldn't do anything the two previous times. The inflatable gag, inflated to its fullest and held in place by a ring gag, muffled any protests he may have tried. Though the fingers and lips that probed his body, trying to elicit an arousal, was softer, it was somehow worse. This woman was a stranger. All she wanted from him was his seed to impregnate herself with. This was the second time she was making the attempt. The second time she was violating his body.

Reid struggled against the bonds that held him, though the stringent position allowed for little movement.

The woman stretched her body over top of his, moving her mouth close to his ear. "This would be easier on you if you didn't struggle. There is nothing you can do to stop me," she whispered before changing positions again. He felt her tongue trail down his body toward her mouths intended target. Reid closed his eyes, knowing she was right.

"FBI!" came the all too familiar yell of his unit chief.

Reid squeezed his eyes closed tighter, humiliation flooding through him. He had wanted to be rescued but knowing his team was seeing him like this, that Morgan was seeing him like this, was too embarrassing. He had long ago accepted the feelings he felt for his chocolate skinned teammate. Feelings he knew he couldn't voice. Feelings that could never be returned. The reason that Spencer Reid knew he would never experience the feeling of love he had craved all of his adult life.

The sounds of the brief struggle found its way to his ears, as the woman's weight disappeared from the bed. Rossi's voice as he started reading the woman her rights.

Then Reid felt another weight pressed down on the bed at his side, and the feeling of a warm cloth material being draped over his body.

"You're safe, Reid," came the calm, reassuring voice of SSA Derek Morgan.

Reid felt relief flood over him at both the sound of the voice, and the feeling of his hands and feet being released from the restraints. Still he kept his eyes closed. He didn't dare move his now free limbs in fear of making the pain worse.

"Medics are on the way in," Prentiss said.

Reid felt the pressure on the gag in his mouth lessen. "Kid, can you hear me?" Morgan asked, concern in his voice, even as Reid felt the gag being removed from his mouth. "Please open your eyes," he tried again, as Reid felt one of his arms being gently moved to his side and tucked under the material.

As his second arm was moved under the blanket, Reid finally opened his eyes. He found himself staring into the dark eyes of Derek Morgan. Having been so scared of seeing pity and disgust in those eyes, Reid was surprised to see only relief, concern and dared he hope - love.

"There you go, Pretty Boy," Morgan said, relief now evident in his voice. "You're going to be okay. The medics will be here shortly."

Reid nodded, unable to do anything else.

* * *

><p>Reid struggled to stifle the moan of pain caused by the ache of his abused muscles as he walked down the hallway toward the hotel room, leaning on Morgan for support. He had been released by the ER doctor after a thorough examination. The young doctor was relived by that. He was further relived when Hotch said they wouldn't be flying home right away. Reid didn't think he was ready to be trapped on the plane with his team, unable to find a comfortable position. At least in the hotel room he could suffer in solitude instead of under their pitting eyes.<p>

"We're almost there, Kid," Morgan said softly, the words making Reid realize the moan had escaped.

Reid didn't reply. They reached the room, and Morgan opened the door. Walking over to the desk, Morgan pulled out the chair and eased Reid down into it.

"I'll go draw you a warm bath," Morgan said.

"You don't have to," Reid said, suddenly very self-conscious. "I'm fine. I can do it myself."

"Reid, you can barely walk on your own, you're in so much pain. How are you going to get yourself in and out of the tub and don't tell me you don't want to take a warm bath after what you've gone through?"

"I'll manage," Reid said, feeling his cheeks grow warm.

"Reid, it's too late to be self-conscious. I've already seen you naked once, what difference is a second time going to make."

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

Reid looked down at the floor. He knew if Morgan helped him take a bath his body would give him away. He wasn't sure which way would be less embarrassing. Finally he decided to just go for it. "I love you," Reid said, quickly getting the three words out.

Suddenly, Reid felt warm lips pressed against his own, taking his breath away. His heart definitely skipped a beat or two and he understood the saying of "butterflies in your stomach."

Morgan finally broke away from him. "Those three words are music to my ears, Pretty Boy," he said softly, as he reached out to cup the younger man's chin in his hand and tilt his head upwards. "I love you, too. I never thought I would get the chance to tell you that."

Reid felt his breath catch. It was like a dream. A dream he did not want to wake up from.

This is love, Reid thought as Morgan pressed his lips against his own again.

"I'll go draw that bath for you," Morgan said softly, as he broke the contact again.


	2. Chapter 2

Turning off the water, Morgan stepped from the hotel shower. He quickly dried off his body and pulled on the tank top, underwear and shorts. Leaving he wet towel on the floor next to the one Reid had used earlier, he left the bathroom.

The hotel room was warmer than he would have liked but as Reid had complained about feeling cold, Morgan wasn't about to turn the AC up. Though he had a feeling that feeling was more than just the temperature of the room, he wanted Reid to feel comfortable. After the ordeal the younger man had been through, he could still see him tied spreadeagle to the bed in his minds eye, Reid's well being was his concern right now.

With the intention of massaging the younger man's undoubtably sore and stiff muscles, Morgan walked over to the bed where Reid laid. As he approached him, Reid's eyes watched him, the only sign he was still awake, given how still he was otherwise. Morgan sat down on the edge of the bed, gently pulling the blanket back.

"Why don't you go ahead and lay on your stomach, Spencer," Morgan said, the younger man's first name feeling strange on his tongue, yet Reid seemed too impersonal for the situation now.

Morgan hadn't been sure what response Reid would have, but he wasn't expecting the one he got.

"I thought you were different," Reid managed to get out before dissolving into tears and looking away.

"Different? Different from who?" Morgan asked, trying to figure out what they younger man was talking about.

Morgan reached out to pull the distraught man into his arms, but Reid pulled away. Moving slowly and wincing in pain, he tried to crawl to the other side of the bed.

"Kid, calm down," Morgan said softly, even as Reid laid face down on the other side of the bed, his face turned away from Morgan, unable to move further due to the pain.

Reid laid there on the bed, sobs shaking his body. Morgan had a feeling they were from pain now along with whatever had upset him. Not wanting to talk to his back, Morgan got to his feet and made his way around the bed. He knelt down next to the bed, to find Reid had his eyes squeezed shut. Reaching out, Morgan reached out to push a few strands of hair back.

"Kid, talk to me. Who did you think I was different from?" Morgan asked.

Morgan waited for an answer. He was about to ask another time when he finally heard Reid utter one word in reply.

"Gideon."

"Gideon? What's he got to do . . ." Morgan started to ask. Suddenly, a sick feeling came over him as he thought of what could have possibly set Reid off like this. "Kid, did you and Gideon ever . . . "

Morgan didn't have to finish the uncomfortable question as Reid started talking.

"It was about a year after I joined the BAU. He somehow figured out I was attracted to men. Told me that I was attractive and that he cared about me. I was lonely and was thrilled that someone liked me in that way. Soon, I figured out that he didn't really care about me, he cared about what I could do for him. That all our relationship ever was. It was all about his needs."

"And you think that . . ."

"He always used my first name when we were alone. Always told me what to do."

Morgan cringed realizing what had set him off. What Reid, in his emotional and physically drained state, had thought he wanted.

"Reid, you misunderstood my intent."

"You never use my first name."

"I thought it would be more personal. Reid seems so formal. I had no idea what memories your first name would stir up. I'm sorry."

"I love you bu I'm not . . ."

"Shhh, Pretty Boy," Morgan said, as the words trailed off into the tears that were still falling from Reid's closed eyes. He rested his hand on the back of Reid's head. "I'm not expecting anything like that from you. Not after what you just went through, and especially after hearing what Gideon . . ."

"It wasn't his fault. It was consensual at first and then later . . . well, later I just . . . I never told him . . ."

"Shhh," Morgan said again. "If you don't want to blame him, fine, but please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong and no matter how things started, he should have shown you more consideration than he did. Something wasn't right or it wouldn't upset you this much."

"Don't tell anyone."

"Kid, look at me," Morgan requested, softly. When he didn't get a reaction, he reached out with his other hand and wiped tears off of Reid's face. "Please, Kid," Morgan pleaded. He smiled as he saw Reid slowly open his eyes. "I've told you before, what you tell me in confidence stays between us, so don't worry about me telling anyone but please don't think I'm like Gideon. I don't just care about you, Kid, I love you. I hate seeing you hurt, physically or emotionally. I want to be a comfort to you, but you've got to let me. You understand me?"

Reid nodded in reply.

As Reid was already laying on his stomach, Morgan moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. Reaching out, he started massaging Reid's shoulders. He felt Reid relax under his hands, despite the sobs that were still coming from his friend.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Not sure if I should continue this or leave it hear. Let me know what you think?<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

When Morgan finally stopped the massage, Reid had fallen asleep. The older man pulled the blanket up over the sleeping form of his friend and then stood up. He grabbed another blanket from the top shelf of the closet and headed toward the table. It didn't take him long to maneuver the chairs so that he could make a make-shift bed for himself. He had no intentions of leaving Reid alone tonight and given what he had just learned, he wasn't sure what Reid's reaction would be if he woke up to find them sharing the bed.

His feet propped up on one chair, Morgan pulled the blanket around him, shifting slightly as he tried to find a comfortable position. It wasn't easy, but he finally felt like he could fall asleep without the fear of falling out of the chairs. He peered over at the bed. Reid still slept peacefully. The ordeal he had been through tonight, that Gideon had put him through before he had left seemed to have been banished momentarily from his mind.

Watching Reid sleep peacefully, Morgan wished that things could remain that way. That all the terrible things that Reid had gone through would just disappear. That they wouldn't haunt him. He wished that he was able to protect him from all of that but he knew he couldn't. Reid had to face all of that. Deal with it in his own way. Morgan knew that all he could do was stand by his friend's side. Be a sounding board when Reid needing one. Try to say the right words to support his friend when he was feeling down. Find a way to make his friend feel safe again and wait for him to be able to love again.

Morgan wasn't sure how long it had taken him to fall asleep, nor was he sure how long he had been asleep when the soft sobs broke through his slumber. Wearily open his eyes he looked toward the bed. Reid's face was turned away from him, but his body shook with the sobs that had woken Morgan up.

Letting the blanket fall to the floor, Morgan got up from his make-shift bed and crossed over to the bed. He sat gently down on the side of the bed, reaching his hand out. Morgan rested it gently on the younger man's back, between the shoulder blades.

"Do you want to talk?"

Morgan's question received a quick shake of the head in reply.

"Do you need something for pain?"

Again the question met with a no response.

Morgan felt like his heart was breaking, watching his friend's suffering and not knowing what to do. What he wanted to do was reach down and wrap his arm's protectively around the small form of his friend but he held back not knowing if that would just make things worse. Being held might make Reid feel like he was trapped again. Trapped like he had felt in his relationship with Gideon. As he had been when he had been tied to the bed, unable to stop anything that was being done to him.

Finally, unable to watch silently anymore Morgan spoke again.

"Please Kid, talk to me. Tell me what is going through that head of yours."

"It'll only make it more real to talk about it."

"You already went through it. It can't get any more real but not talking about it is going to eat you up inside. I know that from experience, Kid. As embarrassed as I was about the team finding out about what Buford did to me, it was a relief in a way. I felt like I wasn't hiding anymore and I knew that Buford couldn't hurt anyone else."

"I just want it to end."

"What to end?"

"Being alone. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone love me. I thought Gideon did but he really didn't. He only wanted what he needed from the relationship. I just feel so alone."

"You're not alone. I'm right here and I do love you, Pretty Boy. I'll do whatever it takes to show you that."

"I'm not even sure I would know what love is at this point."

"You trust me, don't you Kid?" Morgan asked softly. He saw Reid nod once. "You know I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt you?" There was another nod. "Cause I can show you part of what it means to have somebody care about you. I need to know that I'm not going to make things worse though, so you've got to let me know if you're uncomfortable with this. You're not going to hurt my feelings. You understand me?"

There was another nod. Morgan would have preferred to hear a reply out loud, but given the lack of vocalization from his friend so far, it didn't surprise him.

Morgan got up from the bed and walked around to the other side. Climbing into the bed he slid under the covers and close to Reid. Reaching out, he carefully coaxed the younger man to roll over toward him, knowing the movement would cause Reid's aching muscles to protest. It wasn't long though before he had Reid close to his side, the younger man's head resting on his shoulder. Morgan wrapped his arms around the slender frame.

"You okay with this?"

Morgan felt the nod more than he saw it this time. He wanted to pry for a vocal answer, but as he didn't feel any tenseness in the younger man's body, he felt it better not to pressure him. At least he felt like he was doing something by holding the younger man close. Eventually the sobs passed and they laid in silence for awhile.

"Morgan?" Reid asked quietly not too much later.

"Yeah, Kid."

"What do you want?"

"What?"

"Gideon only held me like this when he wanted me to do something. I guess he felt it would make me more compliant or something."

"I'm not Gideon, Kid. The only thing I want is to be able to offer you some comfort."

Reid made no reply. Morgan shifted his head to look down at him. Reid had tilted his, toward Morgan, and though the tears still stained his face, Reid's expression had relaxed some. He saw Reid reach a hand up, and for a moment Morgan thought he was going to try to pull away. Instead, Reid placed his hand on the forearm that was resting protectively across the younger man, and let it rest there.

Morgan refrained from holding the younger man tighter. He didn't want Reid to feel restrained in any way.

"I feel safe right now," Reid finally said, the words not much more than a whisper.

"Good. I want you to feel safe when you're with me, Kid. Now try to get some sleep."

There was silence in the room, for a few minutes before Reid spoke again.

"Morgan, can you do smoething for me?"

"Anything, Kid."

"Hold me a little tighter."

Morgan gently applied more pressure to the slender frame that was pressed up against him.

"This better."

"Yeah."

Hoping not to ruin the moment, but feeling the desire to do so, Morgan lifted his head and pressed a kiss to the top of Reid's head. He hoped to soon be able to show Reid just how deep his feelings went, but he knew he had to take it slow. Though Morgan's life hadn't been a picnic, he did believe that life had thrown more at the younger man that he was currently holding in his arms.

From what Reid had shared with him, his childhood had been rough. Where he might have had the support of one parent, Reid hadn't had the constant support of either, though Morgan had no doubt that Reid's mother had tried her best. His peers had often given him a hard time and Morgan knew he was included among those, not openly accepting the younger man when he had first joined the BAU. Then there had been the incident with Dowd, with Tobias and now this recent issue. Though Gideon and Elle had both left them all, those events had hit Reid harder than the rest of them, though Morgan was beginning to see that Gideon leaving had been a blessing. The Kid didn't need that kind of continuing relationship. Reid needed someone to share the burden not add to it.

As Reid didn't make any protest to the kiss, Morgan took it as an encouraging sign. He would get Reid through this latest obstacle and show the kid what love really meant.


End file.
